Happy Birthday, Fidel!


This story was originally posted on 13 Aug., 2009.

“Hey there, Fidel, glad I could catch you today! Barack Obama here.”

“Yeah, that Barack Obama. Just called to wish you happy birthday!”

“No, no, seriously, I thought it was time we touched base, and then my aide mentioned that 13 August is your birthday. So how’s it feel to be 83?”

“Yeah, that sucks. Well, you know what they say, ‘Getting old sucks, but it sure beats the alternative.’ Anyway, happy birthday, Fidel. And you know what, I’d like to give you a birthday present! It’s something you’ve always wanted, too!”

“Um, no, lifting the embargo isn’t really in the cards, not yet. But seriously, this is something you’ve always wanted: Guantanamo Bay! How’s that for a birthday present? I know you’ve always said that the U.S. didn’t have any legal authority to hang onto Guantanamo, and now Fidel, just for you, it’s my birthday present to you! What do you say?”

“Yeah, yeah, lock, stock and barrel. Well, we’ll have to remove all the high-tech stuff, but you can have the buildings, the harbor facilities, everything. There’s also a McDonald’s, and a KFC and – well, you get the idea. I’ll even throw in those two wind turbines we put up a couple of years ago. We can probably be out of there by, oh, by the end of the year. How’s that for a surprise present?”

“OK, yeah, it’s true my military advisors are saying the place doesn’t have any strategic military value any more, and it is a major cash outlay keeping it running. But look, I’m trying to do you a favor, Fidel. I do have alternatives, you know – like I could sell it to Disney and you could end up with a Disney World in your back yard. I thought you’d be pleased!”

“Ah, I was afraid you’d ask about that. Well, um, you see I’m up against a Congress that is really allergic to moving those guys to the mainland USA, and when I try to strong-arm our allies, they all say, ‘we’ll take a couple if you take a couple’. So the bottom line is, they’re part of the package.”

“Geez, I don’t know what you should do with them, Fidel. I sort of figured they’d just fit in, like they’re all foreigners and you guys are all foreigners, so you could just sort of assimilate them, couldn’t you?”

“Money to compensate for your expenses!? Aw, come on Fidel, that’s what we call ‘looking a gift horse in the mouth’. Here I come and offer you a great present, and you start talking about extra money! Maybe I should be talking to your brother?”

“OK, OK, look, I’m sure we can work something out. I’ll get Axelrod to call your money guy later today, and they can negotiate the price. It’s been great doing business with you, Fidel. Happy birthday!”

One Response to “Happy Birthday, Fidel!”

  1. Europeans fly to Cuba for vacation, and I can’t see that President Obama talking to Fidel Castro should be such a huge no-no, but when I posted this story at Daily Kos I got nothing but negative comments, including “Stinks of troll.”

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