Homer Simpson Makes His Pitch


Official transcript of wiretapped telephone conversation, provided by U.S. Department of Homeland Security – “We’re Here (and There, and Everywhere) To Keep You Safe!”

HS: Hey Sarah, glad I finally managed to catch you! Homer Simpson here. Want to talk to you about the new party me and my buddies are starting. You got a moment?

SP: Yeah, a couple of minutes. I always thought you were a Democrat?

HS: Times change. I’ll be up front with you, Sarah, I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I want influence, big time, you know what I mean? And they wouldn’t take me seriously in the Democratic Party, and the Republicans are in a death spiral. So here’s the plan: We’re starting a new party, the Reality Party. You know, like in Reality TV. We’re going to give Mr. and Mrs. average American what they really want: intrigue, scandals, rumors, pretty faces and a fast-moving story line. You with me?

SP: Yeah, I guess – but where will you be positioned on the political spectrum?

HS: Hell, nowhere! No politics! Joe six-pack and his wife, they don’t give a damn about politics. You know what interests them? Where’s Barack Obama’s birth certificate! What’s up with Michelle’s obsession with sleeveless dresses! That sort of thing. That’s what the Reality Party will promise and deliver – non-stop emotional connection with mixed-up people who are just like them. Do you know that lots of Americans know more about my family than they know about their own? They probably know more about your family than they know about their own. They prefer TV-Reality to whatever it is they have in their dull non-Reality lives. OK, you see where I’m coming from?

SP: Hmmm, maybe. Sounds a bit untraditional. You sure this will fly?

HS: Damn right! Next election cycle, the economy will still be in the crapper, people will be hurting, and we’ll be the only party that will be pushing total escapism from all of that. We’ll make it clear that when we’re in power the White House will be a 24/7 high-definition Reality extravaganza! Has Bart been expelled again? Who’s Todd stalking now? Why isn’t Marge sleeping in the master bedroom? Is Sarah pregnant again? We’ll have some top Hollywood writers scripting it, don’t worry. So what do you say, Sarah, are you on board?

SP: Sounds interesting, Homer. I’ll have to think about it – that thing about Todd, … well, never mind. I assume you’re offering me top spot on the ticket, right? After all, the kind of politics you’re talking here is what I’m all about. If anyone can make this work, it’s me! And, like, I don’t want to be nasty, but you’re not exactly pulling top ratings anymore.

HS: Yeah, but it’s my idea, Sarah, so don’t … well, look, I’m sure we can work something out. Tell you what, I’ll call you again tomorrow, OK? Let’s try to get together so we can start hammering out the details. Look, Sarah, you and me, we can go far with this! We’re what America wants! Loads and loads of Total Reality!

SP: OK, Homer, I’ll think about it. You take care.

One Response to “Homer Simpson Makes His Pitch”

  1. First posted July 19, 2009.

    My third story! No going back now!

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