The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Abstinence

26Mar10

Note: This article is about sexual abstinence, which is the most pleasurable kind. For articles about other kinds of abstinence, see “Abstinence (disambiguation)”.

FAQ (furtively asked questions) about sexual abstinence:

Q. If abstinence is good, then double-abstinence (abstinence from abstinence) should be twice as good. Is this correct?

A. This is indeed the generally-held view, also among many of those who preach abstinence, at least as far as their own behavior is concerned.

Q. When is it most pleasurable to practice abstinence-abstinence?

A. The simplest answer to that question is “every time”. However, recent polling among American teenagers, coupled with anthropological studies of the newly-discovered Sulimazi tribe in the mountains of Southern Borneo (neither group having the word “abstinence” in their vocabulary), seem to indicate that mornings, afternoons and evenings are the best times.

Q. So what’s wrong with nighttime?

A. Be my guest. It’s just that most people are too tired for abstinence-abstinence at night.

Q. How about triple abstinence, i.e., abstinence from abstinence-abstinence?

A. This is also a very common variation. See “Marriage”.

Q. The people who most adamantly promote abstinence say it is to avoid teen pregnancies?

A. That was true until the invention of the condom in 1855. Since then, abstinence has only been promoted by those who can’t stand the thought that others are having more and better sex than they are.

Q. They also claim abstinence is needed to avoid sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)?

A. Not since 1855.

Q. How many people can actively practice abstinence together?

A. One person is the necessary and sufficient number, but beyond that, the sky’s the limit. At a “Group Abstinence for God” rally in 1997, the American Council for Goody-Goodyness managed to get 12,341 people to practice abstinence together, although only for 10 minutes and 32 seconds.

Q. So gays and lesbians can also practice abstinence?

A. Yes. Empirical evidence indicates that abstinence works especially well with one gay and one lesbian together. Note, however, that this is illegal in many countries.

Q. I have a suspicion that this FAQ was written by Monty Python?

A. And now for something completely different…

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One Response to “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Abstinence”

  1. First posted Aug 2, 2009.

    This is pretty funny, if I may say so myself, but the subject is actually horribly serious. I really and truly believe that the abstinence idiocy being pushed in the USA is making life hell for a huge number of young people, who end up never getting a proper attitude to their own sexuality and to what a healthy sexual relationship can be. Which in turn leads to marital problems, psychological problems, single motherhood and all sorts of other bad things.


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