Beating the Bejesus out of Your Kids for Christ


OK, listen up folks. My name is Edgar, and I’m really pissed, and I figured it was time for me to get something down on paper. You can call this my manifesto if you want – it’s my attempt to change what’s going on here.

I’m sick and tired of seeing this country hell-bent on the road to oblivion. Nothing’s working right any more, and those lily-livered liberals are determined to make things even worse. Socialism? Hell, communism is more like it!

The worst is that nobody’s even figured out what the problems is. So that’s what I’m here to tell you about.

Lack of corporal punishment, that’s the problem. Most kids nowadays don’t even know what a good beating is! Now I know what I’m talking about, so let me tell you, if you haven’t had a childhood where you never knew if you’d make it through the day without ending up with a minor injury, then you haven’t been properly prepared for adult life; it’s as simple as that.

OK, I’m not completely alone on this. James Dobson, for example, he was on the right track with his books. But in my opinion James Dobson is a wuss. He wrote, “It is not necessary to beat the child into submission; a little bit of pain goes a long way for a young child.” Yeah, right, but if “a little bit of pain” is good, then what’s the problem? Why not give the kids what they really need to prepare them for a tough life?

Now I don’t want to boast, but like I said, I know what I’m talking about. I was easily the kid who was beaten most often and most harshly of all the kids in my school. That’s what makes it possible for me to understand what’s wrong with liberals, with their squishy-soft talk of brotherly love and world-wide peace. God, they make me sick.

Speaking of God, there’s the ultimate example of “tough love”: Nail your kid to a cross, how’s that for corporal punishment! Like it says in the Bible, “suffer the little children” – that’s what it’s all about. That’s what my daddy taught me, and that’s what I’m teaching my kids.

I hope you’re beginning to see what I’m driving at. Barack Obama, for example: No father to discipline him, and a wishy-washy mother who believed that people are fundamentally good. What a laugh. Obama was probably never beaten as a kid, and now he’s supposed to be commander-in-chief for the free world! You expect this guy to be able to give orders resulting in people getting killed, people getting maimed, people needing to be tortured, and him lacking the proper psychological conditioning from childhood? No way!

My point is quite simple. The thing that makes most of us out here on the so-called right wing so well-qualified to understand what’s wrong with society is a childhood with lots and lots of corporal punishment. That’s why we can see the difference between right and wrong, something the liberals are totally unable to do.

Now, I called this thing my manifesto, and a good manifesto needs some action points, so here goes:

1. Mandatory corporal punishment for all children. If the parents can’t do it, then the schools and the church have to step up to the plate. What’s needed is a “Sparta mentality” to get us back on the right track.

2. Compulsory military service for all young men, and a national policy that dictates that there must always be at least three small wars or one large war being fought.

3. Psychological testing to ensure that those who run for elected office have the proper attitudes towards their constituents and towards people in general. No peace-loving, dope-smoking, live-and-let-live radicals allowed.

That’s all it would take to get us back on the right track, and make this country great once again.

And most important of all, that’s what God wants.

One Response to “Beating the Bejesus out of Your Kids for Christ”

  1. First posted Oct. 23, 2009.

    When I posted this at Daily Kos I got A LOT of angry feedback, and fortunately also a few positive comments.

    Here are some references that give the background for the story:

    Incidentally, the quote I attribute to James Dobson is correct, as far as I can determine:

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