Do-It-Yourself Alien Implant Removal Kit


As you all know, here at UFO Monthly we like to present a product review each month. This month we’d decided to try out the “Jefferson Do-It-Yourself Alien Implant Removal Kit”, advertised to allow people who have been abducted by aliens to remove those pesky things that the aliens often implant in the bodies of abductees. Unfortunately, Mr. Boris Jefferson declined to provide us with a complimentary evaluation unit, even after we promised to sterilize it and return it after use. So instead we’ve chosen to present an interview with Mr. Jefferson, conducted by telephone in late August.

UFO Monthly: Glad you had the time for this interview, Boris. So how’s business? Would you mind telling us how many units you’ve sold?

Boris Jefferson: Sorry, that’s confidential information. Don’t want to inspire any copy-cat competitors.

UM: Well, we all know that there are some pretty large numbers floating around. For example, the Wikipedia article about alien abduction says there have been claims of up to 5% of all Americans having been abducted! And if you do a Google search for “alien implants” you get 17,000 hits, with stories and pictures and advice on how to remove the things. So you seem to have found a viable market.

BJ: That’s right, and I’m all ready to crank up production. So I really appreciate the free publicity you’re providing, I mean the public service of informing these poor victims of those perverse aliens. After all, $69.95 is not a high price for the peace of mind of knowing your body is no longer a repository for some insidious alien device.

UM: Tell me, does your unit come with any kind of guarantee?

BJ: Yeah, there’s a three-page disclaimer that says that if you try using my product then you accept all responsibility for what happens, and that the supplier (that’s me) is in no way liable for anything, so I think I’m pretty well covered.

UM: You got a lawyer to make up that document?

BJ: Nah, I found it on one of those free legal document websites, and then I juiced it up a bit myself.

UM: Your ads say that you only ship to American addresses. Is that because of product safety restrictions in other countries?

BJ: That’s right. All those foreign countries have commie governments that have anti big business attitude problems. That’s why everyone wants to move to the good ol’ USA.

UM: Turning to the device itself, you claim that it allows the user to remove alien implants from his or her own body, making expensive vists to the doctor unnecessary. May I ask, is the procedure painful?

BJ: Oh, no, I don’t feel a thing.

UM: I see. Have there been any fatalities?

BJ: Well, nobody has ever asked for their money back.

One Response to “Do-It-Yourself Alien Implant Removal Kit”

  1. First posted Aug. 24, 2009.

    I used to watch The X-Files – that was a neat program, at least the first couple years.

    For some reason the aliens have never considered me interesting enough to be worth abducting. I try not to feel inferior because of that.

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