Japanese Scientists Isolate Wingnut Gene


Associated Press, 15 Sept. 2009

TOKYO, JAPAN – Professor Ohpen Kimono of the University of Tokyo announced that he and his team of geneticists have succeeded in isolating the wingnut gene. Professor Kimono made the announcement when he presented a scientific paper, “Decoding DNA’s most elusive secrets” at the International Geniality Congress. His presentation was honored by a standing ovation from most of the attendees, although a few American scientists remained seated, and later expressed scepticism.

Professor Kimono explained that he and his team had been inspired by the previous world-famous breakthrough by gay Australian scientists in discovering the Christian gene. “Without their guiding accomplishments we would never have achieved our remarkable results,” conceded Dr. Ohpen Kimono, with typical Japanese modesty. “The wingnut gene, like the Christian gene, was a very elusive little critter, but we finally managed to track it down! It was a fantastic moment!”

Asked what, if any, practical significance this research had for the average family, Professor Kimono pointed out that the discovery could reduce the stigma often associated with wingnuttery. “In most countries it is a major source of sorrow and consternation when a family member turns out to be a wingnut. Now that we have confirmed that wingnuttery is a genetic predisposition the parents can stop berating themselves and try to accept the situation as best possible, although it can be a devastating revelation for any family.”

As for the scepticism of some American genetic scientists, Dr. Kimono shrugged his shoulders and opined that their opposition was due to cultural differences. “You see, in the United States many people accept wingnuttery as practically normal. In fact, it is often even considered to be an advantage – just look at many of the American politicians! I am full of admiration for the American people for being so tolerant and supportive of these individuals despite their debilitating condition.”

Among those who expressed scepticism was Dr. Marsha Fullerton of South Carolina’s Bob Jones University. “Look, I have no problem with most genetic research, but Dr. Kimono is claiming that this so-called wingnut gene is probably a by-product of humans having evolved from apes that were suffering from sun-stroke! All this evolution silliness is unproven, and until Dr. Kimono admits that an ‘intelligent designer’ created wingnuts his theories will never be accepted in the USA.”

One Response to “Japanese Scientists Isolate Wingnut Gene”

  1. First posted Sept. 15, 2009.

    Please be sure to click on the “Christain gene” link in the story – or here – it’s hilarious!

    When I posted this at Daily Kos, one of the best comments was, “Wow, you mean they finally isolated the F-A-I-L sequence?!”

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