South Carolina is not at war with Denmark


I was very lucky to get ahold of South Carolina State Senator Jake (Jakie) Knotts on the telephone.

Me: Hello, is this Senator Knotts?

JK: Yeah, that’s me. Who the hell are you?

Me: Uh, my name is Rennie Petersen, and I’m phoning from Denmark. I’m really concerned …

JK: What the hell is Denmark?

Me: Denmark? Uh, it’s a country in Europe. You do know about Europe, don’t you?

JK: Of course I know about Europe! One of those friggin’ foreign countries, or something. Look, I’m pretty busy, what do you want?

Me: Yes, I do appreciate your time, Senator Knotts. I’m calling because I’m very concerned about your recent statement where you said, “We’re at war over there”, and then you elaborated by saying that by “over there” you meant “foreign countries”. May I ask, are you saying that South Carolina is at war with Denmark?

JK: Nah. Look, I just have to keep the “we’re at war” hype going, that’s what gets votes around here. Everything foreign is fair game, you know what I mean? So you can relax, OK? So where abouts is this Denmark you’re talking about, is it near, um, Cairo for example?

Me: Uh, no. And Cairo is a city in northern Africa, not Europe. Now I’m curious, tell me Senator, have you ever been out of South Carolina?

JK: Of course I have! Jeez, what do you think I am, some kind of ignorant redneck? Hey, I’ve been out of South Carolina twice, um, maybe even three times, can’t remember. Look, can we call it quits now, I’ve got, I don’t now how many other calls on hold.

Me: Just one last question, if I may. Have you ever been out of the United States?

JK: Out of the United States! Hell no, you calling me a traitor or something? Nothing outside the United States is worth shit – uh, no offense meant.

Me: That’s OK. I mean, you’ve called President Barack Obama a “raghead”, so I guess I’ll take the point of view that being insulted by you is an honor. Well, thank you for your time. Bye now.

JK: Yeah, well, you take care, y’all. And come and visit South Carolina, you hear? Even if we end up with that friggin’ foreigner as governor we’re a great place to visit!


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