Real Football vs. The Other Kind


Hello please, to all my American friends! My name is Henri, and I am sending to you from Paris this little message to help you to overcome your lack of good understanding about football.

Football is life! Football is what makes the world go around! I am what you would call a crazy fan, and I am watching football on the television as much as is possible, even as I am writing this message, and it is to this ending that I am feeling the need of clearing up the confusion in the United States about the sublime game of football!

Now when I say “football” I am of course talking about real football, the international game of football, that is played by everyone everywhere. Now I know that you in the United States have another game (if such a word can be used for such an activity) that you call “football”, and this is what is so saddening for me.

Please excuse me my American friends, but I am feeling you are making such a mistake. You are talking about American “exceptionalisme”, and I am feeling I must tell you that it is true, your “American football” is exceptionale, it is exceptionale stupid and exceptionale brutal and exceptionale crazy! The ball, it is not round! That is why it is not rolling good, and you have to carry it around the area with your hands! And the costumes! How can you call it a sport when you must wear so much pads and helmets like you are in the military and dismounting bombs!

But yes, I do understand that you are loving your “American football” like I am loving real football, and so I will not be saying more bad things about how your football is not a good game. But there is something else that I must be telling you, something even more saddening to me.

How can you be making real football contra “American football” a political fighting? That is even more so crazy! Football is not political, it rises above political and is what brings people together! People can be in unagreement politically but they can play football together and they can in football be brothers and it is all so beautiful!

Only the Taliban and some peoples on the American political right are making football a political thing. In Somalia the Taliban is shooting people who are watching the World Cup on television, and in the United States the famous rightist blogger Mr. Stacy McCain is saying “… conservatives don’t hate soccer because we hate brown people. We hate soccer because we hate liberals.”

Oh, oh, oh, this is making me so saddened! How can anyone be feeling like that about football? It is true that I have often thought that the American political right and the Taliban have much in common in their fanatisism and their desire to impose their religion on others. But how can anyone be so depraved as to hate football? It must surely be a sign of mental blockages from a lack of love and understanding.

Please, to the Taliban and to the American political right, I am calling out to you! Please open your hearts and your minds to the good things in this life! Please, try to embrace football, just like you so clearly embrace each other’s ideals!

3 Responses to “Real Football vs. The Other Kind”

  1. 1 boodog

    I love this one Rennie! “dismounting bombs” πŸ™‚ Keep ’em coming- your comedy/commentary is a welcome break from the ‘real’ news!

  2. 2 Forty Watt

    “…mental blockages from a lack of love and understanding” – absolutely!

  3. 3 Sirenoftitan

    They just don’t understand the ‘beautiful game’.

    And, then, of course, there’s Rugby ……. πŸ™‚

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