Sarah Palin Veneration Syndrome (SPVS)


Jun 30, 3:09 PM EDT

BREAKING: American Psychological Association to add “Sarah Palin Veneration Syndrome (SPVS)” to its catalog of psychological disorders
By George Middleford and Susanne Chisow
Associated Press Writers

TAMPA BAY (AP) – Two days ahead of its annual nation-wide conference, the American Psychological Association’s president Mindy Shullman has pre-announced that the APA will be adding “Sarah Palin Veneration Syndrome (SPVS)” to its definitive catalog of officially-recognized psychological disorders. This has already led to a certain amount of controversy, not only due to the political implications but also because of long-simmering disputes between the American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association.

Mindy Shullman, head of the APA for less than two years, was adamant that “Sarah Palin Veneration Syndrome” has been sufficiently researched by the APA’s top clinical psychologists to warrant inclusion in the APA catalog. “We’ve been monitoring these kooks for over a year, and although their symptoms resemble many other kinds of loser-related-hero-worship disorders, it’s sufficiently unique (and repulsive, if I may be frank) to justify adding it to our amazingly complete catalog of American nuttiness!”, gushed Ms. Shullman in response to suggestions that the APA was being premature in its move.

This news has been met with massive criticism from followers of Sarah Palin. “Just the latest example of the vicious campaign being waged by the opponents of Sarah Palin!” is a typical comment. Sarah Palin’s former spokesperson, Meg Stapleton, remarked, “They should call themselves the American Psycho Association!”

Mindy Shullman has revealed some of the identifying signs that lead to a diagnosis of SPVS. “We’re typically talking about people who are not all that bright, people who have experienced a lack of success, which they attribute to being out-maneuvered by smarter, better educated people. Also people who have had personal failures due to a weakness of character, or just bad luck. These are people who can subconsciously identify strongly with Sarah Palin. Remember, most of this is going on at the subconscious level – these people to a large extent can not themselves explain their compulsion. Anyway, their subconscious sees Sarah Palin, and sees that she’s not very smart, she’s not very well educated, she lies and cheats, and yet she’s supremely self-confident, and now she’s rich and famous! Their subconscious is telling them, ‘that’s you, if you’d just been a bit luckier, just believed more in yourself’. They think Sarah Palin is just like them, and she’s a winner! She’s showing up all the smart, successful people who have been their bane.”

As for the very strong push-back by sufferers of SPVS to criticism of Sarah Palin, Ms. Shullman explained that this is due to their very high level of personal identification with Sarah Palin. “These nut cases identify so strongly with Sarah Palin that they consider any criticism of Sarah Palin to be not only an attack on their idol, but also a personal attack on them. Whenever someone (rightly, by the way) points out that Sarah Palin is an idiot, they respond as if you were calling them an idiot – which actually isn’t all that far off the mark for most of these people.”

Turning to the question of what the future holds for sufferers of SPVS, Mindy Shullman was less sure of the prognosis section of the APA’s detailed description of “Sarah Palin Veneration Syndrome”. “We have placed an 85% probability on what we call the ‘crash and burn scenario’. Someone as seriously flawed as Sarah Palin is unlikely to continue to be successful for very long. Something will go horribly wrong for her, and her career will come to a screeching halt. At that point most of the people with SPVS will go through a period of mourning, and then find some new celebrity that they can hero-worship. A few will descend into the nether world of letting anger take over their lives, and become adherents of some conspiracy theory as to who did what to cause Sarah Palin to go down in flames. But, as you can see, we’ve put an 85% probability on the whole crash-and-burn scenario – there are several other possible outcomes, but they are all very unlikely.”

Confronted with accusations that the American Psychological Association had stolen the entire “Sarah Palin Veneration Syndrome” research and description from the American Psychiatric Association (who also calls itself the APA), Ms. Shullman became very defensive. “No way! Those stupid psychiatrists are just jealous because we published first! They’re sore losers, with the emphasis on ‘losers’. Ha, those neurotic Freud-fanatics weren’t even going to use the correct name for this sickness; they were going to call it ‘Sarah Palin Adoration Disorder (SPAD)’! What a bunch of perverts!”

Professor Dr. Sherman D. Weizmann, president of the American Psychiatric Association, was ecstatic when informed of this statement by Mandy Shullman. “Ach zo, vi haf the proof that they are thieves! The name ‘Sarah Palin Adoration Disorder’ vas a secret! It vas not public! Mz. Shullman, who is a dummkopf, vil meet our lawyers very soon!”

As for Sarah Palin herself, she has chosen to shrug off the entire question as to whether or not her loyal fans are suffering from some kind of mental disorder. “They love me, and that makes them happy, so what’s the problem? I do feel sorry for those who are not able to get their mind into the wonderful feeling of how much loving me can change everything for the better and ensure energy independence in a way that makes drilling for oil a priority for all true Americans who hate socialism and the Obama takeover of our great nation … uh, sorry, what was the question again?”

© 2010 The Associated Press. All rights preserved. This material may be published, broadcast, rewritten, retweeted, redistributed or otherwise ignored.

3 Responses to “Sarah Palin Veneration Syndrome (SPVS)”

  1. 1 Sirenoftitan

    Loved it! 🙂

  2. 2 futurexpat?

    Keep them coming!

  3. 3 boodog

    It’s not rill?!? Dang. But loved it anyway, thanks!

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