Huge upset in this year’s Psychological Disability of the Year award

12Jul10

Transcript from The Wild World of Sports:

Announcer: OK, ladies and gentlemen, we’re ready with the highlights from today’s “Psychological Disability of the Year” competition. Let’s start with this clip from shortly after the opening ceremony:

George: This should be pretty exciting. The winners from the last two years, the global warming deniers, are really feeling the pressure from this year’s upstarts, the Sarah Palin fanatics. What do you think, Patti, can the global warming deniers add a third year to their winning streak?

Patti: I wouldn’t count on it, George. Those Sarah Palin fanatics are really on a roll! Their psychological disorder has just been recognized by the American Psychological Association, and not only that, but the APA’s recognition is being contested by the American Psychiatric Association, who are claiming first dibs! That’s the kind of controversy that gets the attention of the judges here at the Psychological Disability of the Year award.

George: I know what you mean! Being so nutty that your nuttiness is generating news is what it’s all about. And then there was that Worst Mother in America award that Sarah Palin won a couple of months ago, that’s really motivating her adherents to push the envelope in showing Sarah the kind of devotion that reeks of dependency-related neurosis. So the next couple of hours should be quite interesting.

Patti: Right, although I wouldn’t go quite so far as to write the global warming deniers off completely, George. They’re pushing their conspiracy theories harder than ever, and clinging to their interpretation of some scandal about leaked emails. And then there were those winter storms; they’re waving lots of posters with pictures of snowmen and so on.

Announcer: So that was the situation at the start of today’s competition – it looked to be a fairly well-defined duel between the global warming deniers and the Sarah Palin fanatics. Now, that would have been a stimulating contest, but then something totally unexpected happened! Here’s a clip from about two hours later:

Patti: OK, just got back from a quick tour down on the competition floor, and the consensus is that the Sarah Palin fanatics are going to knock the global warming deniers off their perch, probably already during the next half hour. That’ll be a real upset, considering how new their psychological affliction is, don’t you think George? George?

George: There’s something happening down there, over in that corner. Can you see it? More and more of the judges are gravitating over there. Who are those people?

Patti: Uh, let’s see the program. Oh, it’s the torture lovers! Yeah, I can see what you mean, George. But the torture lovers? They’ve been around since forever, especially after 9/11, but they’ve always been down around number seven or eight or so.

George: There’s definitely something going on down there! I can see their spokesperson, Liz Cheney, she’s leading the torture lover team in ever more strident chants about torturing everyone who isn’t a true-blue American torture lover! “You’re with us or you’re waterboarded!”, I think they’re screaming.

Patti: But surely, the torture lovers can’t really think they can … oh, wow, I’ve never seen that before in all my years of covering the Psychological Disability of the Year competitions! That’s the editor of the New York Times! They’ve got the executive editor of the New York Times endorsing their psychological disorder!

George: Right, I’m getting some information in my earpiece now – yes, Mr. Bill Keller has gone on record, saying that torture loving trumps journalistic integrity at the New York Times! That’s a real feather in the caps of the torture lovers! Never before in the history of the Psychological Disability of the Year award has “the newspaper of record” come out in support of one of the contestants! What do you think Patti, is this a game changer?

Patti: Could be, could be, but I doubt it’ll get them higher than a number three spot, or maybe even second place, but not the winner’s … wait, wait, is that who I think it is?

George: It sure is! The torture lovers are trotting out Dubya! Yes, it’s former President George W. Bush, looking a bit confused as usual, but he’s definitely endorsing the torture lovers in this competition for the top spot among America’s most talked-about mental aberrations. “Yeah, we waterboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed … I’d do it again to save lives.” – There, he’s repeated what he said last month. This has got to be an upset! A former president of the United States and the editor of the New York Times, both lining up behind the torture lovers!

Patti: Actually, you can include a former vice-president as well. The hand-outs from the torture lovers point out that Liz Cheney is also representing her father, who is too sick to attend in person.

Announcer: So there it was! A huge, and quite unexpected, upset in this year’s Psychological Disability of the Year competition! As you know, the final results were; the torture lovers in first place, the Sarah Palin fanatics in second place, and the global warming deniers in third place. Here’s a final clip with some post-awards interviews:

Patti: I’m here with Jeffery Doverdown, leader of the global warming deniers. So what’s your reaction, Jeffery, to slipping from first place to third place among the most interesting psychological disorders?

Jeffery Doverdown: We’ll be back! Sarah Palin is just a flash in the pan, and Obama is making things tough for the torture-obsessed, so I’m predicting that we’ll be back on top already next year. We global warming deniers are in the psychological disability game for the long run. We’ll still be going strong decades from now, yeah, centuries from now! Nothing can stop our kind of craziness! I don’t care if this planet ends up as a lifeless desert, we’ll still be here, in our nuclear-powered air conditioned bio-habitats, and we’ll still be denying global warming!

Patti: Thanks Jeffery, see you again next year.

George: Wow, you’ve got to admire that kind of dedication! Now, we were hoping for a statement from a spokesperson for the Palinites, but they all seem to have packed it up and gone home.

Patti: Well, they’ll probably be back next year. But now, for the winners! As you can see, I’m here with the spokesperson for the torture lovers, Ms. Elizabeth Cheney. May I call you Liz?

Liz Cheney: Of course, of course. Oh, I’m so excited! May I say something to daddy? I’m sure he’s watching. Hi daddy-waddy, how about this? Are you proud of your little Lizzy-girl, or what? Ohhh, I can’t tell you how tingly I’m feeling – that’s what torture loving does, it gives you these zingy little tingles when you think about what horrible – ugh – what disgusting and horrible things can be done to the human body. And now the New York Times has endorsed us! As long as the bastards don’t trick us and die, it’s not forbidden! Whee!

Patti: Uh, that’s nice for you Liz. So I think I’ll just hand coverage back to the studio, before I throw up.

Announcer: Thanks Patti – I can understand – uh – turn that damned camera off, I’m going to …

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4 Responses to “Huge upset in this year’s Psychological Disability of the Year award”

  1. 1 Suz King

    Can anyone tell me where I can sign up with the global warming deniers?

  2. Incidentally, I realize that this posting (and the one about SPVS too) can be considered to be politically incorrect.

    Here’s a comment I got when I posted this at Daily Kos:

    “Their mental disorder is not funny

    Many people suffer from psychological disorders which prevent them from living full and satisfying lives. The batshit conservatives suffer from dishonesty and callousness. Lying sacks of callous shit do not deserve to be classified with mental disorders that disrupt the lives of those suffering from them. Mental illness is not something that needs to be mocked with horrible human beings like Palin, Cheney, and the rest of the neocon shits.”

    And here’s my reply:

    “Sigh …

    Everything you say is true, and for what it’s worth my son works in an institute taking care of individuals whose mental disabilities are such that they need to be taken care of 24 hours a day by teams of people hired for that purpose.

    But, but, but …

    One of the most potent weapons against people like “Palin, Cheney, and the rest of the neocon shits” is mockery. They should be mocked mercilessly. And that may well imply exploiting political incorrectness. The mockery that sticks is the mockery that makes one sit up and take notice.

    I actually spent about three hours composing this posting. It is rather disheartning that ten minutes after I post it – ding, ding, ding, you have been flagged by the political correctness police!”

  3. 3 Sirenoftitan

    I agree, Rennie, satire and mockery is a very potent weapon indeed. I feel sorry for those who have no sense of the abusrd.

    Loved your post 🙂

  4. 4 Suz King

    Despite having struggled with a personality disorder and countless bouts of depression since I was a child, I can only agree with Sirenoftitan. And fortunately it’s possible to be an emotional cripple and still have a sense of humor 😉

    Go, Rennie, go 😀


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